Monday morning and it’s the start of a new week. First things first, I strip down to my bare skin and jump on the weighing scales. You have to get naked for a weighing. You don’t want anything like a pair of cotton under-crackers weighing you down! (You heard it here first! LOL) …
I have gained 4 lb!!
I am absolutely disgusted with myself, but at the same time – kinda proud of myself too.
Ok it’s bad when you gain weight. After all, losing weight is the main objective when you are still technically ‘trying’ to lose weight. But the reason I am proud is because this is the first time in over a year, when I have gained weight! That to me, is a bloody great achievement, even if I do say so myself.
Am I pissed off? = Yes.
Am I disgusted with myself? = Yes.
Am I feeling like shit? = Yes.
Will I do it again? = Probably yes.
Am I going to work hard to lose it again? = Without a shadow of a doubt!!
Last week was a tough week for me and my mental health. I actually think i picked up a bug, or flu like illness which made me feel really unwell for a few days. My whole body ached and I couldn’t find it in me to exercise. I think it was about 5 or 6 days in which I did nothing. I usually do something for 5 or 6 days! Wether it’s the gym or just a nice walk with my dogs. Instead I chose to binge on junk food. I comfort ate myself back to a reasonable wellness again.
Comfort eating is one of my worst symptoms, when my mental health is at an extreme level. If I’m in a dark place I will order in a take away or eat disgusting amounts of sugary treats like biscuits, cereal (by the box full) and chocolate. It feels as if it’s the only way I can make myself feel better. It’s like a quick fix, but I almost instantly regret it afterwards!
In my 20’s, right through into my early 30’s, I used drugs and alcohol as my main coping mechanism. For many years I self medicated on marijuana. If I was feeling anxious or depressed (or both), I would roll a joint and blow my troubles away. The only difference back then, was that I never actually realised I was living with a mental illness. I never knew what the constant, mental pain was, which was going on inside me head at 100mph – All day, every day! All I knew was how to make it stop. Drugs and/or alcohol. Simple as that.
Needless to say, these methods NEVER made me feel better long term. If I smoked or drank too much I would pay the price the following day. In my opinion, a hangover when you are suffering from depression, probably multiplies by 100 times.
I’d wake up and my head would be pounding.
Then the guilt and anxiety kicks in – “why did I drink that much? What is wrong with me? I’m a total fuck up. I hate myself, etc, etc…”
This would almost certainly, lead onto major depression.
There are many ways in which the word depression can be used to describe the way you feel. This is not the ‘feeling a bit sad’, kind of depression. This is a whole different version of depression. This would literally feel like the end of the world. I would question myself as a human being. I would punish myself mentally, for getting myself into such a state. I’ve lost count, the number of times when I wished I hadn’t woken up at all.
I am always brutally honest and I am not ashamed to admit this, but depression during a hangover made me suicidal. I would lock myself away in my bedroom and sink into the darkest place imaginable! Sometimes I’d lay there and wonder if the only way of being rid of this state of mind, would be to just end it all. Thankfully I always found strength to never go through with any of these thoughts.
At the end of the day, I cannot change the past. I know this all too clearly now. It doesn’t matter how much I question or doubt myself. It doesn’t matter how much I overthink anything. There is absolutely nothing in the world, that anyone can do, to turn back the hands of time! All I can do is focus on the future and how I am going to put things right.
Get my arse back down the gym. Get my healthy, calorie counting diet back on track. Focus on the little things again. The simple things, that aren’t too much trouble. The things that help to ease the mental pain on a cloudy day. Painting, reading, writing, listening to podcasts/music, watching films… the list grows more and more each day.
Concentrate on right now. Not last week!
Feel the fear… and do it anyway.
If you’ve enjoyed reading this post, please drop a like and feel free to comment or send me a direct message! I love hearing from you all, so please get in touch.
One last thing – Please don’t suffer alone. What you are going through is not abnormal. There are billions of people in the world, and it’s fair to say – many of them are living with similar mental illness’ as we are. You are not weird and you are not some kind of alien, in feeling this way!
My advice is simple: Open up and share your experiences. You don’t have to do this with everyone. Just the people you are closest too. 9 times out of 10, these people will probably suspect something wasn’t right, before you even started the conversation! By doing this we can help to normalise mental illness!
Hope you all have a great day.
Mr F x