So I will start off by wishing you all a very (belated) Happy New Year! Ha ha!
I was going to start the year by posting a blog that I’d tried (so desperately) to finish several times over the last 8 weeks… The post was labelled “My Birthday and Christmas – The worst days of the year!” … (sounds cheerful huh??!)
In a nut shell, the post basically involved me ranting and raving about my parents and immediate family. About how fucking worthless and unloved they have made me feel (AGAIN!). About how on my birthday, I had an overwhelming urge to drive my van into a bus. All this because the worthless, sacks of shit didn’t bother sending me a poxy card!! … Thats it – I won’t go into anymore detail because, they simply aren’t worth it.
I spent weeks trying to compose myself, so that I could crack on with it, but nothing… I spent hours just glaring at the screen or getting distracted by more important matters – Such as, my forever growing obsession with wristwatches!! I won’t go into how many new watches that I’ve bought or sold recently… The list continues to grow and grow!!
Anyway… I got a few short paragraphs in, and it felt like someone had built a brick wall right in front of me. Stopping me from progressing, and getting it finished. It was as if my subconscious mind was saying to me : “Look mate, you’ve wasted far too many days/weeks/months/years on these people. You will gain absolutely nothing from this. Stop immediately and go no further!”
So approximately 2 months later, I have finally given in and decided to delete the title and start a fresh post. I have spent the last two years in therapy, talking about these people and how shit they made me feel. I felt like I was now trying to scrape the barrel and bring up old memories just for the sake of it, and so I had something to write about. That’s not to say, I won’t ever bring them up again in future posts. I almost certainly will. But on this occasion, it just feels right to shut it down so that I can actually progress with my blog.
All this aside:
“Did I have a good birthday?” = “No… BUT that turned into a ‘Yes’ later in the day”
“Did I have a good Christmas?” = “Yes it was okay…”
“Did I have a good New Years Eve?” = “Yes. I slept 2019 in… Perfect!”
As I mentioned already, my birthday didn’t start great. But that was turned around in a whirlwind few moments during the afternoon. My cousin (and his good lady) sent me something which I have never received before. Along with the birthday card he had sent me already, half a dozen balloons and some chocolates turned up! When I saw the delivery driver walking up the driveway with the balloons to me, I just prayed they weren’t from someone who I didn’t want them to be from!
Much to my delight, they weren’t! They were from my cousin.
He even sent me an email with a pair of tickets to the Manchester United FC Museum Tour. I really got quite emotional by it all. To say it was a thoughtful thing to do, would be an understatement. What a kind gesture it was, and one I certainly won’t forget thats for sure!
I think it meant so much to me, because of how the day had started and how I’d entered that dark place again. Somewhere I hoped I’d never return to. It really knocked me for six. Then from that darkness came this huge ray of light. It was like a fairytale ending… Except I am not a fairy. I am a man. A big, manly man at that!!! Ha ha ha.
“‘So… how has 2019 started then?”
I’d say very well. Bloody brilliant in fact.
I travelled up North to go and visit my cousin. This alone was a HUGE milestone for me in my recovery! To find the strength to get into my car and drive all the way up there was one thing. But to stay up there for a week and also do a few days work was utter madness. A monumental achievement!
I have spent several years hiding away from the outside world due to my mental illness. It had such a firm grip over me, preventing me from doing normal, everyday things.
Normal things like – driving, socialising, visiting people, working, walking, talking, etc…
It had, well and truly, strangled the life out of me.
It had taken away my enjoyment for doing the simple things in life.
Since my trip my soul focus going forward, is to enjoy those simple things. I’m going to enjoy reading, writing, walking, talking, breathing, feeling, … The list goes on and on.
“Do I have any New Years Resolutions?”
Definitely not! What’s the point making resolutions? Nobody sticks to them anyway.
For me, I will just keep doing what I am doing:
Exercise regularly, walk the dogs, eat healthy, continue to lose weight, keep in contact with the good people in my life, keep out of touch with the bad people in my life, and keep doing the little things that actually matter most!
That’s it. Anything else is a bonus along the way!
I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read this post. If you aren’t already, please give me a follow and feel free to share links to my blog.
I will write again soon!
Mr F x