A hospital appointment with my anxious mind…

I’ve not had much sleep the last couple of nights due to my anxiety levels boiling over, thinking about a hospital appointment I had this morning. I felt really sick, my stomach was in knots and all I wanted was for the world to open up beneath my feet, and swallow me whole.
I’d have given anything to not go to this fucking appointment.
I was sat outside in my car looking at the hospital entrance. Thoughts running through my head at 100 mph!  –

There’s so many people going in and out. The hospital must have over booked with patients just because they knew I was coming and wanted to make it hell for me.

I am almost certainly going to die. If not the doctors will find something seriously wrong with me. It will without any doubt be terminal. I am going to be diagnosed with some kind of disease. Oh my god I don’t want to die yet – I haven’t finished watching the 3rd season of Daredevil…

I bet they have the heating maxed out. I’m going to get hot and sweaty (this is my main telltale symptom for me having a panic attack). Everyone will look and laugh at me. They will think “look at this guy sweating. He looks so ridiculous. What a loser.”

These are just some of the thoughts that raced through my head. Anyone with an anxiety/ panic disorder will be able to relate to these thoughts.

I know I’m not the first person to ever have these thoughts, but it certainly felt like it at that moment in time. It feels like I’m the only person in the world thinking these crazy thoughts and it feels like I am literally going insane!!
… Anyway, having composed myself for a few minutes with some steady breathing, I got out my car and went into the hospital.

I checked in with the receptionist. I gave her the impression I was this confident young man without a care in the world. I may have even thrown a little joke into the conversation too. I think I may have fooled her into believing it too. Ok so this isn’t hard… Who’s next…

Sitting in the waiting room I take a few deep breaths and find it in me to just relax. I sit there and watch people walking by. I wonder where they have come from and why they are here. I look over to the other side of the room as I over hear a couple talking particularly loud. The reason why, quickly becomes apparent. I see they are speaking with the use of sign language. They stop talking and the woman looks straight at me. Shit, she must think I am such a nosey bastard. I just throw a smile at her and look away as if I was never really staring at them in fascination. God, I thought my life was bad. How much worse everything could be.

My appointment came and went really quick. I was in and out the hospital in under an hour. The doctor was still waiting on some results from a sleep test I did a couple of months ago.  I have a blockage in my nostrils which can cause me to stop breathing in my sleep. Either this or I just snore really loud. He had told me to lose weight when I saw him back in May – Well I lost over 3 stone. I took pride in telling him that and he seemed very impressed. He said I may need a small operation to open my airway up, but that’s something I can worry about another day.

Just for today, I will feel proud of what I have achieved without having a panic attack!

 

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Seiko Presage

 

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